[Two Pronged] How can I make sex exciting for my girlfriend?

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I have a sex question for you. I don’t know if you still answer such questions because I have not seen any in your Rappler columns, I miss them. Please go back to answering them like you used to.

My sex question is this: I have a girlfriend, 26. We have been together for 2 years, having sex for 18 months. I thought everything was good until, one night, when she was drunk, she told me she didn’t really enjoy our sex life.

We were both non-virgins when we got together, and I was ok with that.

But I was so surprised when she confessed our sex life was not that exciting for her. Do you think her having had previous sexual experience is the reason ours is not that good for her?

I asked her why did she not tell me sooner. She said nothing. I was so angry with her. I told her I felt like a fool.

I disappeared for 2 weeks. She called me after that. She was crying. She said the reason she didn’t tell me sooner is because she had a feeling I would behave as I did.  How well she knows me.

Now I feel like a double fool. Now I feel I don’t deserve her.

Please tell me what to do. Even if we get back together, I don’t know how to make sex more exciting for her.

IVAN

Dear Ivan,

Thank you for your kind words about the column.

The initial question you ask is whether your girlfriend’s prior experience is the reason for her dissatisfaction with your sex life. Well, it is unlikely to be the sole factor but it is reasonable to suppose that some degree of comparison between her past and your joint present has contributed to her current lack of enthusiasm. 

What is also clear is that she anticipated telling you about this would be badly received, which is why she initially remained silent and it was only after a few drinks that the truth came out. 

In summary therefore, she has issues with your technique and your character.

However, there is good news. Despite your angry reaction to her revelation and your subsequent disappearance, she is still in contact and seemingly open to continuing your relationship, so now the question is what you are going to do about it.

The short answer is communication, a frequent mantra of this column. You need to have a conversation with her about what has happened, a conversation during which you put your ego and defensiveness to one side, apologize for your hostile reaction to her honesty, and listen to what she has to say. Since every couple is unique, ask her to tell you what will make your sex life better, what will give her pleasure, and as importantly, what does not.

The fact that you both have previous experience is a plus because it gives you information which will contribute to a more positive outcome. You also need to give her the reassurance that you will actively welcome, rather than petulantly reject, any future attempts by her to improve the quality of your relationship.

None of this is necessarily easy and it should be the subject of not one but many ongoing conversations as your relationship progresses. It should hopefully enable you both to move ahead and enjoy a more fruitful life together, learning from each other as you go.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Ivan:

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree with almost everything Mr. Baer says, especially with the following statements:

“…Put your ego and defensiveness to one side, apologize for your hostile reaction to her honesty;” and

“You also need to give her the reassurance that you will actively welcome… any future attempts by her to improve the quality of your relationship.”

I like that Mr. Baer describes your reactions to her honesty as defensive and petulant. In addition, Mr. Baer suggests not just that you go back to discuss how things were before, but that you must apologize — and if you cannot mean it right now, tell her you are doing your best to feel what you are apologizing for: that you realize that a good and exciting sex life means you’re BOTH being comfortable in sharing what you dislike, miss, and long for.

Anyone can accept good things said about what he does and says. But it is only someone who truly loves you that also wants to know areas where she can improve…because she is eager to please you… because doing that means a better sex life for you both. It will also give her the freedom to tell you what she likes, and dislikes, misses, and longs for that she hopes will happen in your sex lives.

Take heart — You have a good woman who wants to be by your side, despite a not so exciting sex life.

Take double heart — you have an honest, perceptive, courageous, and humble woman by your side who is:

1. Honest enough to tell you not just the good — but also areas that need improvement — in your relationship;

2. Perceptive enough to realize that with the man she loves (you), she has to be careful when sharing the truth. Hence, her waiting for 18 months before she told you; and

3. Courageous enough — even if she needed a few drinks — to speak up, despite knowing (though hoping against hope that you wouldn’t be as childish as you actually were) that you might behave the way you did. As if that weren’t all, your girl was humble enough to behave as if it were her fault (which it wasn’t… unless you believe people should be punished for being honest).

Take triple heart — that, if you have enough courage and humility yourself, you will be perceptive and honest enough to realize you have a keeper in your girlfriend.

All the best,

MG Holmes